


There is No Why or How

by bigCheese



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:23:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5241449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigCheese/pseuds/bigCheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natori tries to explain his feelings for Natsume.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is No Why or How

How could Natori Shuuichi describe how he felt for Natsume Takashi? He could hardly make sense of it himself, let alone explain it to someone else. To anyone who may ask, the two of them were friends; but, to Natori, that didn’t begin to cover it. Right from the start, from the moment Natori had laid eyes on the boy in the small countryside town, he had felt something special for him. Whether it was mutual, Natori had no clue. Somehow he doubted it.

Finding someone who shared the curse – which some, including Natsume, would call a gift – of seeing yōkai was always pleasant. No, scratch that. It was pleasant _on most occasions_. Natori had come across many people with the Sight over his many exorcist years. He wasn’t going to pretend all of them were of  _agreeing_ company, but, in general, Natori felt more comfortable around them. They understood, and shared, his struggles.

However, it wasn’t that simple with Natsume. Natori had something in common with the other exorcists, but he kept some reservations. Those in his line of work were competitive; most of them were downright petty. A lot of them had a nasty personality too. For his own sake, Natori still felt that he had to be careful around them. Being careful could get so tiring. With Natsume, it wasn’t like that at all.

The boy was harmless. His spiritual power exceeded Natori’s by far, but he would never use it for ill. He had a kindness and a sense of empathy that Natori once doubted existed in the world. He was stubborn, and brave, and, quite frankly, unlike anyone Natori had ever met. Natori trusted him, more than he even trusted Hiiragi, and his other spirit retainers. If anything, it was Natsume who had cause to distrust him. Natori had deceived him several times since they met.

A possibly unrequited sense of trust wasn’t enough to describe his feelings either. Natori felt extremely protective of him, despite the numerous times he’d put him in danger – intentionally or otherwise. The thought of losing Natsume terrified him; hence why, lately, Natori didn’t involve him in his exorcist jobs half as much. The last such instance was when Natsume and his friend had found themselves trapped in a mansion with Omibashira; although Natori had not planned that. Natori remembered concealing a tremendous fear that day, keeping up airs to reassure Natsume while he desperately thought of a way to get everyone out alive.

Why was he so afraid of losing Natsume, then? The question brought him back to his feelings, the ones he couldn’t explain properly even if he tried. All Natori could say was that Natsume was incredibly dear to him. He had never connected with anyone that way. After twenty three years of loneliness, finding someone like that felt like a miracle. It was something Natori had never expected for himself, and  _knew_  would never happen to him again.

Natori sighed, trying for the umpteenth time to clear his mind of Natsume. It served him right for forgetting to bring a book – or anything to pass the time, really – on a three hour train ride to Natsume’s town. He was obviously going to think about the kid; he thought about him at least five times on any given day. Natori pulled his eyes away from the window, and the stretching patches of soil. Looking at the scenery made his thoughts wander.

The day before, he had convinced his agent to let him take a small vacation. That said, Natori had kept his destination to himself. He didn’t want to be followed here – although he suspected his agent would guess where he was. It wasn’t a secret that the actor was fond of this area. It was peaceful, and quiet, without feeling too remote. More importantly, Natsume lived here.

“Hiiragi.”

The spirit appeared on the bench opposite to him. More specifically, her upper body emerged from the bench; she stood at eye-level with him, perfectly straight and unaffected by the movement of the train.

“Yes?”

“Got any stories to tell?”

Hiiragi tilted her head, wondering what brought on this unusual request. It wasn’t often Natori initiated conversation with his shiki, even less so small talk. Natori shot her one of his disarming smiles  - which he knew didn’t work on her, but whose use had become more of a reflex – and said:

“I’m bored.”

There was no way of knowing for sure, but Natori sensed Hiiragi thought of him as a child. He knew she did, every so often; it had a lot to do with her remembering their first meeting, when Natori was much younger. Now, however, it simply had to do with his behaviour. Betraying no such thought, Hiiragi replied quietly:

“I might have a few.”

***

Natori awoke from a spell of drowsiness when the train came to a bumpy stop. Taking his carry-on luggage, he stepped out onto the boarding area. Hiiragi waited for him there, stiff and—she looked angry? Natori couldn’t see her face, but his instincts told him everything he needed to know. He was about to ask her what was wrong, when she asked:

“Were my stories that boring?”

Ohhh. That was it. He’d dozed off while she was talking. Yōkai led interesting lives, and Hiiragi’s stories were far from boring; he promptly assured her of it. With a sheepish smile, he added:

“I must’ve been more tired than I thought, and your gentle voice lulled me to sleep.”

A moment passed. Natori really wished he could see her expression behind that mask. Then:

“You’re using the same tone you use with your fan club. It’s weird”, she answered curtly.

He laughed; he was guilty as charged. Nonetheless, Hiiragi seemed appeased again. Natori took a moment to recall the right direction, then began walking. Hiiragi followed suit, a comfortable distance behind him. Natori didn’t know why she insisted on doing that. He told her many times that she could walk beside him, but she wouldn’t budge. She believed it was improper; while she seemed to think cheeky comments were acceptable.

“Natsume is probably still at school at this time, huh…?’‘Natori wondered out loud. ’'Should I wait outside the school, or at his house?”

“If students see you at the gates, they might make a fuss. Natsume would be troubled.”

“Ah, you’re right. His house it is, then. I should buy something for the Fujiwara couple…”

“Something to eat or drink with supper would be nice.”

“You’re right again. How are you this good at social calls?”

“It’s nothing much.”

Natori smiled softly. A yōkai made relationships sound so easy; meanwhile he, a human, had always been inept at them. He could  _perform_ flawlessly, but he was at a loss when it came to the truth. For that, he was thankful Hiiragi acted as an accidental coach. Eventually, they came into the shopping district. Natori bought an expensive bottle of sake and a box of assorted mochi. Finally, he was off to the Fujiwara household.

***

Touko was overjoyed upon seeing him, welcoming him inside without a moment’s hesitation. When he offered her the gifts, she became flustered, going on about how he shouldn’t have before accepting them with shaking hands. Her reaction brought a genuine smile to his face. She was adorable. Thinking that she was the one taking care of Natsume made him happy. This was the perfect environment for him; and it was no less than what he deserved.

Natori knew where his thoughts would drift off to at this point, and he felt the indicative bitterness crawl up his stomach. Memories of his childhood threatened to resurface, but he wouldn’t allow it. Blocking them out, he smiled at Touko and asked if he could join her while they waited for Natsume to come home. She assured him there was no question of it, and the both of them went into the kitchen. They had just the time to finish a cup of tea when the front door opened.

“I’m home!”

Natori recognized Natsume’s voice, and he couldn’t help his heart from doing a somersault. Touko hurried into the hallway to welcome Natsume, and Natori heard her gasp.

“Sorry to intrude!”

Natori paused. Two different voices had spoken in unison. Natsume’s friends? Well, that wasn’t part of the plan. Natori hesitated to show himself, lingering in the kitchen.

“They came over to study”, Natsume explained softly. “Did I forget to tell you? I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no no! I remember now…Dear me, it completely slipped my mind!”

“It’s alright.”

Natori could hear the smile in Natsume’s voice, and the urge to see him became overwhelming. So be it; now was the time. Natori emerged from the kitchen, coming to a stop next to Touko and leaning on the wall. He had to keep it casual, after all. He also had to resist laughing when Natsume’s eyes went wide with confusion and disbelief.

“Natori-san?!”

“Hey there”, Natori said with a cheerful smile.

“Oh gosh…!’'Touko covered half her face with her hands. ’'I forgot Takashi-kun would have company, and now…”

She looked like she felt guilty. Natsume, on the other hand, looked much worse. He was probably blaming himself for making Touko feel bad, for creating a commotion, for putting his friends in an awkward position, and he was probably thinking of what to do about Natori. That had to be about it. Natori knew him well enough by now to figure it out. Eager to remove that dismayed look from Natsume’s face, he said:

“It’s not a problem. The boys need to study, right? Fujiwara-san, if you don’t mind, I could help you with supper until they finish.”

“Eh? Oh my, that’s not necessary! But if you’d like to join me, then…”

Natori gave her a dazzling smile. He sent the same one Natsume’s way, and watched the young man’s expression melt into that familiar look of mild annoyance. He couldn’t handle Natori’s killer smiles, much less when they were directed towards him. Still, he looked mostly relieved. Natsume led his friends upstairs while Touko and Natori returned to the kitchen. Touko busied herself around the room, refusing to let Natori lift a finger. It took all his skills to convince her to let him set the table.

When, an hour later, Touko announced supper, Natsume’s friends excused themselves. Shigeru arrived from work, and the four of them settled around the table. Natori noticed Natsume had trouble looking at him, but didn’t mention anything. Touko fawned over the fancy sake he had brought, and what a respectable friend Natsume had. The awkwardness melted away fast, although Natsume still wouldn’t look at him.

It wasn’t until after supper, at which point they left the house for a walk, that they could be alone. Natsume still looked preoccupied over something, stubbornly staring at the fields by the side of the road. After allowing a moment to pass, Natori asked:

“Where’s that fat cat?”

At that, Natsume frowned pensively, and he shrugged. It was a start.

“He’s off somewhere…I haven’t seen him since this morning.”

“Isn’t he your bodyguard? If he’s that sketchy about his job, maybe I should send a shiki to watch over you instead.”

“Please don’t”, Natsume answered hurriedly. “I don’t think I could handle being followed around all day.”

“Careful, you’ll offend Hiiragi. She’s proud of her work, you know?”

Natori chuckled at the mix of shock and remorse on Natsume’s face. The boy apologized to the air – as Hiiragi didn’t feel like showing herself – before letting his shoulders slump in defeat. At least, he didn’t look nervous anymore.

Beyond to Natsume’s left, the sun was beginning to set. The sky turned a mellow shade of orange, and Natori felt a content smile tug on his lips. The weather was nice, he felt at peace, and Natsume was by his side. He wasn’t here on assignment, and didn’t have to worry about duping Natsume into helping him with a job. He could just relax and enjoy his dear friend’s company. Things couldn’t get much better than this.

“I’m sorry…”, Natsume said suddenly. “It’s gotten this late, and I made you wait all this time, even though it takes a long time to get here.”

Ah, so that’s what his earlier behaviour was about. He still felt guilty.  _Jeez, that kid never gives himself a break_. Natori didn’t bat an eye, and explained:

“Not at all. I didn’t call early, and put you in an impossible situation. You couldn’t just tell your friends to leave, and I came out of nowhere. I’m sorry about that. I had a good time with Fujiwara-san, though.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Thank you, Natori-san.”

Natsume sounded immensely relieved.  _Only he could beat himself up for so long over something he had no control over_ , Natori thought with small shake of the head. Then, something else caught the actor’s attention, and decided not to let go. Natori hesitated, reluctant to jeopardize the pleasant atmosphere between them. His bolder side eventually won over.

“I’ve been thinking…Isn’t it time you start using my first name?”

Natsume jumped slightly, and turned to him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. If anything, that expression alone was worth the trouble. Natori just gave him a radiant, innocent smile.

“Eh, but—Um…”

“There’s no need to be reserved; we’re friends.”

“Alright then…Sh–”

Natsume stuttered, paused, and turned beet red. He looked away, mumbling an apology into his hands. Natori laughed, thinking that Natsume even more adorable than Touko earlier. He reached to ruffle the boy’s hair, knowing Natsume didn’t mind the gesture. As expected, Natori saw Natsume’s shoulders relax.

“Don’t worry about it. It might take some adjustment.”

Natori waited, expecting Natsume to return the sentiment. He grew worried for a moment, until finally:

“Then, um, you can do the same.”

“Really?’'Natori smiled. ’'Can you handle it?”

“What do you mean, 'can I handle it’?! What do you take me for?!”

“Sorry, sorry,  _Takashi-kun_.”

Natsume stiffened. A moment passed, with the boy trying not to show a visible reaction. Unfortunately, he could not control the blush that spread over his face in the next few seconds. Natori drank in the sight of what could only be described as Natsume short-circuiting. Natori had to hold back laughter: he wasn’t sure Natsume would survive it.

“See?’'Natori taunted.

’'I’m fine…!”

Natori wanted to tease him more, but decided to leave it for later. Something else wound its way in his mind, and Natori thought a bit before asking:

“You haven’t called in a while…Did something happen?”

Natsume’s eyes filled with guilt, and Natori partly regretted asking. Following the time they had gone to the hot springs together, Natsume started calling him regularly. Natori had prompted him to do so; Natsume was reluctant at first, but he’d grown into the habit. He called to confide in him and to vent after something upsetting happened. Natori was honoured that Natsume relied on him like that; in fact, he could hardly believe it.

For the past two months or so, however, Natsume hadn’t called. Natori had tried to think nothing of it, but he began missing Natsume’s voice much faster than expected. Nonetheless, he supposed that there was a reason behind Natsume’s sudden silence, and Natori didn’t want to press him for it. Natori had called a few times to make sure the boy was alive and well; he left it at that after receiving evasive responses.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bother you with my problems, and it felt like I was abusing your kindness…”

Natori blinked. He thought the kid knew already that Natori was not kind at all. Staying quiet, he let Natsume continue.

“Bu then, I felt silly calling you to tell you good news, so I…I’m sorry.”

How many times had Natsume apologized today? This was not what Natori wanted at all. He wanted Natsume to be happy, and feel supported. He wanted to forever protect his kind heart, that shouldered burdens that weren’t his and felt everyone’s pain as his own. They had stopped walking, stopping in the middle of the trail. Natsume was staring at the ground, and Natori had to resist the urge to tilt his head up to look in his eyes.

“You never bothered me, Takashi-kun–”

Natori took a moment to appreciate how the top of Natsume’s ears turned red.

“—You never could. I’m always happy to hear from you. Even if it’s bad news, I’m glad that you open up to me, and I’m happy to listen.”

Slowly, Natsume raised his head. His hair looked lighter and incredibly soft to the touch in the waning light of the sun. His eyes were shimmering, like he was holding back tears. Natori’s heart clenched, and thought that the boy was more beautiful just now than anyone he had ever laid eyes on.

“Thank you”, Natsume said softly.

Natori’s reply came too late, as there was movement in the high grass by the road, and something came unexpectedly jumping out. Something big and round, and that exclaimed:

“There you are, silly Natsume!!”

Natori glared at the fat cat who had effectively ruined the mood. Natsume didn’t notice, of course, and looked at the cat as it pranced around.

“Sensei…! Where have you been all day?”

“I don’t have to tell you where I go—Hey, what’s he doing here?”

Natori had to quickly plaster on a friendly smile.

***

After Nyanko-sensei had interrupted them, the evening had passed without any more serious topics coming up. Although the interrupted itself didn’t enchant him, Natori was thankful for the lighter atmosphere it brought. The trio had walked until the sun went down completely, and then, Natori had escorted Natsume back to his house. After going in to give his regards to the Fujiwara couple, Natori prepared to leave. Natsume joined him outside his house to say goodbye.

“Are you free next Sunday?”

“Ah, yes!”

“Good. I’ll be staying here until then, so let’s spend some time together.”

“I’d like that”, Natsume answered with a smile.

Natori returned the smile. His fingers trembled; he wanted nothing but to reach forward and stroke Natsume’s cheek. That would be weird. He knew it would be weird. It would confuse Natsume the way Natori was confused now. There was no need for that, especially when they were seeing each other later. Natori lifted his hand to wave instead, as he turned and left. He felt Natsume’s gaze follow him, and his heart beat out of rhythm.

When he was at a safe distance, he called:

“Hiiragi.”

She appeared behind him in a blink.

“Yes?”

“Can you tell me how I feel?”

She paused, then asked:

“What do you mean?”

“You’re intuitive, and you know me better than I know myself sometimes. So…can you figure this one out? Tell me how I feel about Natsume.”

Another silence.

“I think you already know”, Hiiragi answered finally.

Natori laughed softly, throwing his head back to look at the starry sky. Yep, Hiiragi definitely saw right through him; and, she wouldn’t chew his food for him. Looking back at the road ahead, Natori nodded to himself.

“You’re right”, he said.

It was time he stop beating around the bush, and admit that he was in love with Natsume Takashi.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh still don't know if i'll write a sequel to this. i kinda wanna. we'll see.
> 
> oneshot originally on my tumblr @narumiya-gei


End file.
